Ph.D. Octopus

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Barry Bonds and Kobe: Equally Hateable

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by Weiner

In a recent Sports Illustrated piece, Selena Roberts compared Tiger Woods to Barry Bonds. But that comparison didn’t sit will with me. So I thought of one better.

Barry Bonds and Kobe Bryant are kind of the same person. (It also occurred to me that Sawyer from LOST and Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights are basically the same person, but that’s another post). So here’s my thought: Barry Bonds is Kobe plus the steroids and minus the championship. Thus, any sports fans who hate Barry should also hate Kobe. Let me explain.

Both Barry and Kobe had fathers who were professional athletes. As a result, both Barry and Kobe are tremendous athletes. Both Barry and Kobe are also over-entitled assholes.

From 1990-1993, long before he took performance enhancing drugs, Barry Bonds was the best player in baseball. He won gold gloves, stole bases, hit and hit for power. He won 3 MVPs, and deserved the MVP in 1991 over Terry Pendleton. He led the Pirates to three division titles, and the Giants to within a game of one in a 103-win season. Keep in mind that baseball, unlike basketball, is not the type of game where one player can dominate offensively and defensively to such a degree to win championships. And Barry ruled the sport. Even Ken Griffey Jr., the nice guy, the clean guy, didn’t come close.

After Sosa and McGwire ushered in the PED homerun era in 1998, Barry Bonds got on the juice. And he once again became the best player in baseball, by far. In an era when everyone was doping, Barry was again the best, by orders of magnitude. He put up absolutely legendary numbers. And he nearly led the Giants to a World Series title.

At the same time, he furthered his reputation as a complete prick. According to Roberts, “Bonds demanded two lockers and a massage chair in the San Francisco clubhouse and threw his teammates under the bus when it served him.” I heard he had a chair in the locker room facing away from his teammates so he could watch television. He also famously could not get along with Jeff Kent, his major protection in the lineup who prevented him from recording 8 million intentional walks per season. He also may have physically abused his wife.

Now let’s look at Kobe.

The spoiler star took Brandy to his high school prom, skipped college for the NBA, became a dominant player very quickly, and won championships with Shaq, and then without him. He put up superb numbers. Won MVP awards.

He also developed a reputation for being an asshole. He famously could not get along with Shaq, the Lakers’ other superstar.

And then there’s the little matter of his possibly raping a young woman.

His victim eventually dropped criminal charges, filed a civil suit, and then they settled. Her story seems to have some holes in it. Still, he might have raped her. If he did, every point he scored, every championship he won since is a travesty.

But let’s see, for a moment, that he didn’t rape her, but that his testimony is in fact true. If that’s the case, we know this.

1. Kobe Bryant is an adulterer. No big surprise among pro athletes, but nothing to be proud of.

2. Kobe asked this woman if he could cum on her face, she said no, and then he told her leave.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Kobe Bryant is an asshole. I’d venture to say as bad as Barry Bonds. So respect their athletic ability if you must. But unless you’re a Lakers fan, you should hate Kobe.

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Written by David Weinfeld

June 26, 2010 at 11:03

Posted in sports

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